I wrote this a few years ago, after reading an awful lot of Howard’s stuff. Given that a new movie’s being released about the big Cimmerian, I figure it’s appropriate to bring this one back:

ME: So, you are an evil wizard thinking of going toe-to-toe with Conan the Cimmerian, eh? Well, first off, let me say that I don’t recommend it.

 WIZ: I care not for your paltry warnings, mortal! Tell me more of this ‘Conan.’

 ME: Okay, if you are thinking of taking on the big C, there are three basic rules you must remember.

 WIZ: Yes! Tell me these secrets!

 ME: Rule the First: CONAN HAS A SWORD! If you are dealing with Conan, you have to remember that he is going to cut you apart with a sword. It is pretty much guaranteed.

 WIZ: Bah! I shall simply deprive him of his foolish weapon, and…

 ME: You misunderstood. Let me repeat the rule: CONAN HAS A SWORD! That’s it. He has a sword. He has one now, he’ll have one later, etc.. If you break his sword, he will kill you with the blunt end. If you steal his sword, he will get another one. Conan has a sword—accept it.

 WIZ: Hmph! I fear no piece of steel. I have lived these thousands of years in slumber, only now to awake and rain my vengeance upon the world. This Conan may strike off my head, if it please him, and I shall not die.

 ME: And just how effective a wizard will you be after Conan punts your head down the gullet of the nearest crocodile?

 WIZ: Errrrr…touché. The next rule?

 ME: Ah, yes—a very important one: CONAN HAS CAT-LIKE REFLEXES! He stalks like a panther, he moves like a tiger, he runs like a cheetah, he fights like a lion, etc.

 WIZ: I am unimpressed, but for now let us continue to the third rule.

 ME: Rule the third: CONAN IS IMMUNE TO SNAKES!

 WIZ: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

 ME: It’s pretty self-explanatory. If you think you will kill Conan with a snake, it won’t work. The guy has out-wrestled pythons, struck faster than cobras, hell, he can even rattle better than a sidewinder.

 WIZ: But I have no mere snake! This cursed beast hath spawned in my black dungeons for lo these…

 ME: CONAN IS IMMUNE TO SNAKES! I don’t care if you’ve got a snake the size of the Acella Train with the cunning of Irwin Rommel and venom that could kill the population of India in an afternoon, Conan will kill it. Remember: CONAN HAS A SWORD and will, therefore, cut it in half.

 WIZ: What if I take away his swor…

 ME: CONAN HAS A SWORD!

 WIZ: Right, right—forgot. Well, what if he fell into a pit…

 ME: CONAN HAS CAT-LIKE REFLEXES!

 WIZ: Dammit. Well, say I teleported him into a room filled with asps and…

 ME: CONAN IS IMMUNE TO SNAKES!

 WIZ: Fine, fine! I will simply cast bolts of unearthly destruction at him and…

 ME: CAT-LIKE REFLEXES!

 WIZ: He can’t dodge them all day, your know. Sooner or later he will…

 ME: HAS A SWORD!

 WIZ: Don’t follow.

 ME: He’ll stab you.

 WIZ: Right. But you forget that I have several swordsmen of my own.

 ME: How many?

 WIZ: Ten of the mightiest warriors ever to walk…

 ME: Are their names Conan?

 WIZ: Errr…no.

 ME: Congratulations, you have earned yourself a whole ten seconds before Conan kills you.

 WIZ: But these men are strong…

ME: CONAN HAS A SWORD!

 WIZ: There are ten of them, though, so…

 ME: CAT-LIKE REFLEXES!

 WIZ: And then I make it rain poison snakes.

 ME: IMMUNE TO SNAKES!

 WIZ: Then I dash away with the princess.

 ME: CAT-LIKE REFLEXES

 WIZ: Motherfucker! Well, what would you do?

 ME: Obvious, really—don’t fuck with Conan.