Your Evil Insurance and You
Dear Professor VonTerriblex,
What follows is an outline of the standard Evil Deeds Insurance policy you purchased from us last Wednesday. We here at FOUL welcome your business, and refer you to the retail and finance side of our business to further support your villainous needs. Please feel free to request our financial introductory materials or catalogs at any time.
Please note that the back of this form has been inscribed with an unholy ritual utilizing the drop of your blood we secured from you upon finalization of your insurance policy. This ritual binds your life force to the continued existence of this document for the duration of your policy. This is done to fully establish the co-dependent nature of an insurance policy, and to remind you to keep this document safe, secure, and private. Discretion is, as always, our number one concern. We hope you understand.
Now, for a brief overview of your policy coverage.
We will reimburse you (with no co-pay) the value of training and (if applicable) purchase of any henchmen lost to the following acts:
- Arrest and conviction.
- Death by ninjas wearing white or red outfits.
- Karate chops/pressure point pinches to the back of the neck.
- Machine gunning by muscle-bound commandos (photo of said commando needed)
- Sorcery (unintentional or intentional)
- Failure to evacuate rooms filling with poison gas/water/flesh-eating insects/acid.
- Space suit malfunctions
- Impossibly idiotic curiosity.
A co-pay will be required for reimbursement for lost henchmen for the following reasons:
- Death by ninjas in black outfits.
- Death by superheroes (please train your soldiers to surrender to Superman or the Hulk immediately)
- Demonstration killings (if you need to keep doing this, we suggest the ‘Megalomaniac Policy’)
- Henchmen betrayal.
- Starvation and/or dehydration
- Any loss involving a shrink or growth ray or any kind of mutagenic agent. (This includes radiation of most varieties. Yes, even that kind.)
Evil Robot Coverage
You are officially covered if your evil robot:
- Is caught in a logical feedback loop.
- Kills any employees with nerve gas.
- Self-destructs for no apparent reason.
- Finds your plans illogical and betrays you.
- Invokes any of Asimov’s Laws.
- Turns any of your romantic interests into cyborgs without your consent.
- Becomes a pacifist.
- Utters the phrase ‘Does not compute’ for any reason.
- Decides to destroy humanity (including you).
- Follows unauthorized commands.
You are not covered if your evil robot:
- Learns to love.
- Befriends fuzzy animals or children.
- Wants to become a real human.
- Actually destroys humanity.
Facilities and Superweapons
Facilities and Superweapons, in order to secure coverage, must adhere to the following statutes:
- All self-destruct buttons must be prominent and obviously visible.
- Must feature at least one but no more than five Big Red Buttons.
- Must use a FOUL approved alarm claxon (See catalog)
- Must implement at least one extending bridge and/or one deep chasm.
- All elevated walkways must have railings. These railings must not exceed 1 meter in height, so as to enable your foes to topple over them if they lose their balance (note: FOUL is not responsible for henchmen who topple over railings).
- Must have a PA system capable of informing everyone of how soon something is going to explode or fire.
- Must have ventilation shafts large enough to admit maintenance crews and easily removed vent covers to guarantee instant access.
- At least one slow-moving deathtrap.
- At least one map of the world.
- All superweapons must operate on a countdown and must broadcast this countdown via the PA system.
- All vending machines, bathrooms, and recreational areas should be well hidden.
If retaining a man-eating monster of some kind, you are covered from liability in the following instances, but must pay a co-pay equal to 10% of the damages, due to the volatile nature of these beasts:
- The monster escapes its enclosure.
- The monster injures you.
- The monster reproduces without your approval.
- The monster dies of old age or illness.
- The monster grows too large for its enclosure.
- The monster is slain by a would-be victim.
You are not covered if the monster:
- Learns to love.
- Befriends a small child or fuzzy animal.
- Refuses to obey.
- Eats your henchmen (by accident or on purpose).
- Metamorphoses into a non-deadly form (e.g. man-eating Caterpillar-illa morphs into a giant butterfly).
- Is spawned from your own febrile imagination (see ‘Creatures From the Id’ clause, page 232).
- Turns out to be an offspring, relative, or relation to yourself, Godzilla, the Aliens (from Aliens), or the result of any kind of zombie plague.
Please peruse the rest of this document at your leisure, as it is now as much a part of you as your own lungs. Thank you for choosing Financial and Operational Underwriting Limited for all of your villainous needs. Good day!
Posted on July 17, 2013, in Fiction and tagged bond villain, evil, FOUL, humor, insurance, villains. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.
Pingback: Your Evil Henchmen Recruiting Service, Simplified! | Auston Habershaw
Pingback: Your Evil Time Travel Loan: Terms and Conditions | Auston Habershaw
Pingback: Important Notification Re: Your Hero Insurance | Auston Habershaw