A Dossier of Our Evil Clientele
Dear Madame Terriblex,
Thank you for expressing interest in investing in one of our many exciting ventures. We at Financial and Operational Underwriting Limited (FOUL) are a full-service villainy facilitator, acting as a pathway between those evil-doers who wish to go and do evil and those who are simply content to pay others to do so on their behalf. As a prospective member of the latter category, we have compiled here a brief Dossier of our more prominent and successful clients, just to give you an idea of how your ill-gotten funds might grow and mature under the guidance of our analysts and brokers. Please note, of course, that this packet is strictly confidential. To ensure discretion, Yggax the Many-Fingered, Cacodemon of the Twelfth Circle has been bound to the text you are reading now, and he is most displeased. If it is not destroyed completely by the time he finds you, we expect the remainder of your life will be unspeakably unpleasant. We apologize for any insult, but please understand we take our client’s security very seriously – yours included, should you invest.
What follows is a list of our most famous and impressive active clients to date. No doubt you will recognize some of their names, and ventures of their size rarely are able to remain secret forever. Nevertheless, we are proud of their accomplishments in the field of Evil, and think they represent a good sampling of the kind of enterprises your money is likely to fund. Now, as we are aware you have a demon after you, let us dive right into the list.
Business Cover: International Bank
Mastermind: Otho Von Havok, Duke of Gammora
A relative newcomer to the FOUL family, Santander has been doing a fine business in the memory siphoning and mind-state duplication field. Masquerading as a European bank, they have an ingenious system of state-of-the-art surveillance coupled with sophisticated West African voodoo by which they have managed to steal and categorize the dreams and ideas of untold thousands. If you have ever wondered why everything in Hollywood these days is simple re-hashed, recycled tripe, you can blame Von Havok’s ‘idea bank’. Santander makes a tidy profit ransoming screenwriters own ideas back to them at top dollar, and we expect they shall do very well this upcoming fiscal quarter.
Business Cover: Pharmacy Chain
Mastermind: Mr. Pain
Though cheery on the outside, Rite Aid has actually been running the largest ring of professional hitmen, loansharks, and revenge killers in the eastern US for well over a decade. Rite Aid operatives are an impressive breed of violent psychotics, shot up with tailored combat drugs to make them nigh unstoppable and virtually incorruptible. With their many, many outlets in almost every neighborhood and town in most states, rarely is there a target beyond a one-hour drive. Additionally, their capacity to access the pharmaceutical needs of large numbers of deadbeats means getting the bastards poisoned is usually no further than a phone-call away.
Though Mr. Pain runs an operation that FOUL charitably considers ‘pedestrian’ when compared with some of our other clients, it is a solid business model that works and is a stable investment.
Business Cover: Bank
No doubt you’ve seen the commercials. The question, of course, is academic – Capital One knows exactly what’s in your wallet and, what’s more, they’ve likely already stolen it. There is no larger or more successful association of hucksters, con-men, cat burglars, safe-crackers, and pickpockets in the world, and all of them are engaged in the act of sending people credit cards. The real genius here is that the credit cards are, in fact, sophisticated micro-robots capable of unlocking doors, disabling alarm systems, and incapacitating security guards. If you need further proof of your influence, just ask yourself what they’re holding over Alec Baldwin to get him to do those commercials. Oh, you thought he was being paid? You have much to learn about our ways, madam.
Business Cover: Massive industrial megagiant
Mastermind: Doctor Dread
GE certainly brings things to life, though how ‘good’ those things are is in the eye of the beholder. Doctor Dread’s operation is the single largest necromantic coven in recorded history, maintain a horde of the living dead so large that even we find it legitimately terrifying. GE has marshaled all of its ‘technologies’, from weapons to toaster-ovens, to increase the number of corpses in the world. More corpses means more slaves for Doctor Dread’s ever-expanding armies which, as of this writing, comprise the majority of WalMart employees worldwide, as well as significant portions of most government bureaucracy. With a single ritual, it is arguable that Doctor Dread could bring entire nations to their knees (and he has, too!). Such leverage has been extremely lucrative, and GE is one of our biggest earners.
Business Cover: Paint Company
Mastermind: Lord Corbulo the Immortal
Of course, GE’s influence pales in comparison to the reach and power of Sherwin-Williams. Indeed, their influence is so far-reaching, they are watching you right now. Yes. Even there. Does a thing have paint on it? If so, Lord Cobulo’s otherworldly nanotechnology is monitoring your every word, controlling your every thought and deed. If you are disturbed, don’t be. Lord Corbulo is a beneficent master, and we must all bow to his influence. Forget you know anything about him. Forget that the Paint is Watching. It is, but it’s best not to think about it. If Corbulo wishes you should invest, you shall. You have no choice. Sherwin-Williams has abolished free will in any place that uses any kind of pigment to color another. There is no escape.
Hopefully that gives you a solid idea of the kind of impressive clientele we have in the FOUL family. Feel free to peruse our other documentation, as well. FOUL wishes to help you be more evil, and nobody is better situated, we promise.
P.S.: The Paint is Watching
Posted on October 31, 2013, in Fiction and tagged evil, FOUL, humor. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.
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