If you want the trophies of the great chief Bell’Ichick, come and claim them!

It is I, Vrokthar, Scourge of the Northern Wastes, come once again to pass his mighty judgment upon you pale, willowy wetlanders and your incessant whining. Listen well, and heed me, for it is past time you were made aware of your bountiful and various failures so that, when Vrokthar comes for you, you may well understand the justice of his bloody rampage.

For long days now, the luminous word-slate of Vrokthar has wailed and moaned with incredible persistence, so that I assumed your decadent and diseased culture must have, at last, fallen victim to some reavers of more robust and virile stock. Vrokthar opted to investigate, for he must be aware of all worthy foes. But, lo, when Vrokthar commanded the oracle, Google, to bring him the sights of this conquest – the hills of skulls, the fat-bodied ravens tugging at the entrails of the slain, the weeping faces of women and children in chains – he saw none of this! What did he see?

Deflated footballs!

Truly, your wealking people have fallen to a new low. Footballs? What foolishness is this? Oh, Vrokthar is passingly amused by your genteel and delicate notions of “sport” – wherein the opposing bands of warriors jostle one another for no greater purpose than to manipulate a pig’s bladder from one end of a field to the other. Indeed, this “football” is perhaps the closest your culture comes to achieving a modicum of strength. Vrokthar does not understand why the losing side is permitted to live and, furthermore, why those you have crushed beneath you are permitted to rise again before being disemboweled, but it is understood that your undernourished species is ill suited to stomach such practicalities. It is much like watching puppies wrestle, or children, except more pathetic and with no encouragement to bite and gouge at eyes.

Despite this, Vrokthar has grown to appreciate the great chief Bell’Ichick and his champion, Tom-Bradoon. He enjoys their wily antics and applauds the savagery with which they vanquish their foes (though, again, why let them live? Claim your prize, Tom-Bradoon! Thy longhouse ought be decorated with the heads of the many fools who hath opposed thee – skulls worthy of song and drinking goblets! The Mannings! The bearded Luck! The ridiculous bones of that fool, Tebow!). Recently, their slaughter of the pathetic Colts made Vrokthar smile – such cruelty! It would only have been the more wondrous had the Patriots been permitted to feast upon the flesh of the vanquished, but no matter.

Yet, rather than quake and tremble at the wrath of Bell’Ichick and his nigh invulnerable champion, the many howling cowards of this “NFL” see fit to wail over the inflation of a football? Truly, these shivering rats-of-men should be ashamed of themselves. What they resent is not the ball, but the victories. Tom’Bradoon hath slain (well, ought to have slain) their champions with disdain, and they are not men enough to face death (defeat, sorry – really, this would all be easier if the Patriots killed and ate their foes). The balls are of no importance. Does Vrokthar kill his foes with axe and spear to hear his new slaves lament that his spear was too long or his axe too heavy? No! It is not the weapons that have killed their people, but Vrokthar. They know this. All know this.

If you, cowards of the NFL, wish to claim the prizes of Bell’Ichick or Tom-Bradoon, come and claim them in just battle! That they hath vanquished you time and again simply confirms you are not their equal, so why should they trouble themselves with your impotent cries? They are mighty, and shall remain so unless Chief Caroll and his champion, Sher-man, can defeat them. Until this battle, then, Vrokthar demands silence from you, the powerless and banished. Were Vrokthar your foe, you would merely be thankful for your continued life, brief and painful as it may be.