Your Evil Insurance and You
Dear Professor VonTerriblex,
What follows is an outline of the standard Evil Deeds Insurance policy you purchased from us last Wednesday. We here at FOUL welcome your business, and refer you to the retail and finance side of our business to further support your villainous needs. Please feel free to request our financial introductory materials or catalogs at any time.
Please note that the back of this form has been inscribed with an unholy ritual utilizing the drop of your blood we secured from you upon finalization of your insurance policy. This ritual binds your life force to the continued existence of this document for the duration of your policy. This is done to fully establish the co-dependent nature of an insurance policy, and to remind you to keep this document safe, secure, and private. Discretion is, as always, our number one concern. We hope you understand.
Now, for a brief overview of your policy coverage.
We will reimburse you (with no co-pay) the value of training and (if applicable) purchase of any henchmen lost to the following acts:
- Arrest and conviction.
- Death by ninjas wearing white or red outfits.
- Karate chops/pressure point pinches to the back of the neck.
- Machine gunning by muscle-bound commandos (photo of said commando needed)
- Sorcery (unintentional or intentional)
- Failure to evacuate rooms filling with poison gas/water/flesh-eating insects/acid.
- Space suit malfunctions
- Impossibly idiotic curiosity.
A co-pay will be required for reimbursement for lost henchmen for the following reasons:
- Death by ninjas in black outfits.
- Death by superheroes (please train your soldiers to surrender to Superman or the Hulk immediately)
- Demonstration killings (if you need to keep doing this, we suggest the ‘Megalomaniac Policy’)
- Henchmen betrayal.
- Starvation and/or dehydration
- Any loss involving a shrink or growth ray or any kind of mutagenic agent. (This includes radiation of most varieties. Yes, even that kind.)
Evil Robot Coverage
You are officially covered if your evil robot:
- Is caught in a logical feedback loop.
- Kills any employees with nerve gas.
- Self-destructs for no apparent reason.
- Finds your plans illogical and betrays you.
- Invokes any of Asimov’s Laws.
- Turns any of your romantic interests into cyborgs without your consent.
- Becomes a pacifist.
- Utters the phrase ‘Does not compute’ for any reason.
- Decides to destroy humanity (including you).
- Follows unauthorized commands.
You are not covered if your evil robot:
- Learns to love.
- Befriends fuzzy animals or children.
- Wants to become a real human.
- Actually destroys humanity.
Facilities and Superweapons
Facilities and Superweapons, in order to secure coverage, must adhere to the following statutes:
- All self-destruct buttons must be prominent and obviously visible.
- Must feature at least one but no more than five Big Red Buttons.
- Must use a FOUL approved alarm claxon (See catalog)
- Must implement at least one extending bridge and/or one deep chasm.
- All elevated walkways must have railings. These railings must not exceed 1 meter in height, so as to enable your foes to topple over them if they lose their balance (note: FOUL is not responsible for henchmen who topple over railings).
- Must have a PA system capable of informing everyone of how soon something is going to explode or fire.
- Must have ventilation shafts large enough to admit maintenance crews and easily removed vent covers to guarantee instant access.
- At least one slow-moving deathtrap.
- At least one map of the world.
- All superweapons must operate on a countdown and must broadcast this countdown via the PA system.
- All vending machines, bathrooms, and recreational areas should be well hidden.
If retaining a man-eating monster of some kind, you are covered from liability in the following instances, but must pay a co-pay equal to 10% of the damages, due to the volatile nature of these beasts:
- The monster escapes its enclosure.
- The monster injures you.
- The monster reproduces without your approval.
- The monster dies of old age or illness.
- The monster grows too large for its enclosure.
- The monster is slain by a would-be victim.
You are not covered if the monster:
- Learns to love.
- Befriends a small child or fuzzy animal.
- Refuses to obey.
- Eats your henchmen (by accident or on purpose).
- Metamorphoses into a non-deadly form (e.g. man-eating Caterpillar-illa morphs into a giant butterfly).
- Is spawned from your own febrile imagination (see ‘Creatures From the Id’ clause, page 232).
- Turns out to be an offspring, relative, or relation to yourself, Godzilla, the Aliens (from Aliens), or the result of any kind of zombie plague.
Please peruse the rest of this document at your leisure, as it is now as much a part of you as your own lungs. Thank you for choosing Financial and Operational Underwriting Limited for all of your villainous needs. Good day!
Dear Captain Destructo,
Thank you for ordering your Financial and Operational Underwriting Limited (FOUL) spring catalog. As of this moment, you should note the red LED display at the top center of the masthead on page ix. Failure to complete your perusal of this catalog before the counter reads zero will result in a deadly neurotoxin being released from the binding, killing any living thing within three meters and causing the paper itself to decay rapidly. Please make no attempt to disarm the device, as that will render any orders you submit through the catalog null and void and your money will not be returned. Please understand that this is for the safety of our organization and, by extension, your own interests. Thank you.
Table of Contents
Lounging around the death arena? Plan on catching some rays on the sun-deck of your moonbase? Have a few hours set aside for stroking a Persian cat and sipping champagne?
The Casual Wear section outfits all evil villains with the latest in unitards, collarless suits, chain-mail tunics, and leather bracers. All products are guaranteed never to bloodstain and are completely machine washable.
NOTE: FOUL does not insure its products against misuse by non-FOUL accredited henchmen.
Growing tired of that old lab-coat? Is your bandoleer of nightmare-gas pellets getting a bit dog-eared? Look no further! FOUL has a complete array of stylish-yet-functional hazmat suits, spiked plate mail, weapon holsters, and a wide array of other workwear that will keep your victims saying ‘whoah! This guy means business!’
All of our products are guaranteed to function without fail except in instances of intervention by SHIELD, Time Lords, or secret agents with a double-0 or equivalent rating, in which instance we are forced to cite precedent that shows the laws of physics often cease to apply, anyway. In these instances, we recommend purchasing more FOUL-accredited Goons ™, which are available for a discount with any purchase of two full outfits.
Have a beautiful rebel leader that you’re just dying to seduce? Need an ace in the hole to help determine if Bond has an ace in the hole? Wish your tie strangled people or your hat lopped off extremities? Look no further than our vast array of personal accessories! Everything from bone-crushing jaws to man-rending talon-gloves as well as a spiffy array of customizable watches with and without garotte wires can be had for fair prices and most are available for overnight delivery, provided your base is located on Earth or in near-Earth orbit (minimum two days delivery to the Moon; please inquire for shipping times to further locales).
Please note that our offers of cosmetic surgeries and cybernetic enhancements are NO LONGER offered in this catalog. Too many of our customers, it seems, have taken to kidnapping our surgeons and putting them to work building armies of genetically engineered warriors (I know, right?). We, also, are disappointed in this turn of affairs, but the Brotherhood of Evil Surgeons is a surprisingly convincing union.
Note: There is 1:47 remaining before the nerve gas is released. Please be decisive.
(for further information about our services, please see our introductory material. Thank you, and may your enemies wade knee-deep in the blood of their children!)
Financing Your Evil Empire
Dear Doctor Oblivion,
We here at Financial and Operational Underwriting Limited (FOUL) are pleased to accept your request for our free informational packet detailing our services and advising methods. Please understand that, while this packet does not come with a financial responsibility, that does not mean it is entirely obligation free. You will have noted, no doubt, the fine white powder that was released upon opening the envelope. You have been poisoned with a slow-acting metabolic inhibitor. The antidote may be released at any time by burning these materials and inhaling the vapors released. You, of course, understand. Discretion and informational security is our number one concern here at FOUL.
This document is a basic primer and overview of our recommendations regarding your declared needs. More detailed information may be found in packet’s A-D and, of course, an even more extensive listing of our precise services can be obtained once you sign on as a beneficiary of our services. Presuming the metabolic poison hasn’t killed you first, naturally.
FOUL is fully equipped to finance and support the establishment of a secret base of operations anywhere in the world. Indeed, this is an exciting time for evil geniuses, in that real-estate prices are at an all-time low in many sectors of the world. Some of our most popular packages include:
- Small European Countries: Given the financial duress of much of Europe at the moment, it is an uncommonly good time to purchase or annex a small country, complete with population and infrastructure, for your use. Portions of Greece, Spain, and Italy, in particular, are ripe for purchase, and can be obtained for competitive rates. In those instances, we do recommend the optional ‘Enforcer Robots’ package, as the populations of those countries are currently indisposed towards slave labor.
- Middle American Subterranean: The housing crisis in the United States has also brought the price down on the coveted, but typically very expensive, continental US subterranean base. Indeed, much of so-called ‘Middle America’ is so strapped for new construction and real-estate projects that wide portions of prarieland can be claimed and utilized for your nefarious purposes. That is, of course, once you bulldoze the endless fields of WalMarts and strip malls and put an end to their nefarious purposes.
- Volcano Base: An old standby, our most affordable packages on isolated volcanic islands are available at record lows, primarily due to the vagaries of weather patterns in both the Western and Eastern Hemispheres. Please understand that FOUL will not forgive any loans for bases actually destroyed by volcanic eruption. Our geologists have been known to make mistakes.
- Extraterrestrial Bases: Currently, we are not recommending extraterrestrial base options–the moon, orbital stations, Mars, etc.–primarily due to the increased cost of accessing space these days. However, that same inaccessibility translates to even greater security–superheroes and secret agents can’t hitch a ride on the space shuttle anymore, which translates to lower security costs for you!
Minions, of course, are among the greatest expenses an evil overlord can expect to pay. It is difficult to convince the average thug to abandon his familiar environs to work regular shifts in a foreign place. Disciplined, talented people can typically acquire employment in so-called ‘legitimate’ industries and live without being exposed to the murderous disdain of their superiors.However, the global economic downturn once again is working in your favor! As this is written, fully one in four Spaniards is without gainful employment! Vast swathes of Americans are without health insurance! The youth of Britain despair at their ability to find gainful employment in a country slashing government spending at record levels! Rejoice!The FOUL system offers a decent healthplan and competitive salary to the minions it recruits, and we know just where to find fools desperate enough to accept the fine print! In addition to the lowly thugs and social deviants we are usually forced to employ, we’ll give you access to a wide array of factory workers, teachers, public employees, and other blue-collar, hard-working folk. We even offer two-for-one deals on Greeks!
Death traps are a key aspect to any security system/entertainment center at your secret base. We at FOUL take great pride in customizing your portfolio to accommodate a wide variety of tastes and styles, from your basic poison gas traps to your more elaborate laser-labyrinths, fun-house pitfalls, and the ever-popular monster-in-a-pit.
However, we do caution new clients from going overboard on the bells and whistles. Death traps are, frankly, rarely used and can be an enormous expense. Feeding pit monsters alone can cost millions every year, not even including the cost of handlers, trainers, and behavioral specialists. We do not offer refunds on any death trap that fails to operate or is turned against its owner–responsible use and deployment of these traps is YOUR responsibility.
The Doomsday Device
Of course, no portfolio would be complete without options for financing your own personal doomsday device. Naturally, we at FOUL are in the business of fulfilling your dreams for world domination, and we hesitate to place limitations on your creativity and ambition in this regard. However, we do have to remind you that we will not finance any device that blows up the planet Earth itself. FOUL has significant holdings on planet Earth and we cannot support its outright destruction. We are totally on-board, however, for enslaving, obliterating, ethnically cleansing, bombarding, extorting, or conquering any portion of the globe. This limitation strikes us as reasonable and also good business.
All schematics for doomsday devices must be approved by an engineer of our choosing prior to funds being released. This engineer is immediately shot after viewing these plans and delivering his or her report, so full discretion is assured. Proof of their decease is available upon request, though taxidermy costs extra. Currently we are offering discounts to any and all doomsday devices that run on a slow countdown with periodic PA announcements.
We here at FOUL wish you all the best and hope that we can be of service financing your evil schemes. Please keep in mind that the pounding of your heart at this juncture is likely the early stages of the poison affecting you. We suggest burning this portion of the portfolio now in order to maintain consciousness for sufficient time to peruse the rest. Thank you, and we look forward to hearing from you.