You are defeated! How foolish of you to dare challenge me, the Dark Lord of Evil, in my quest for ultimate power! Now you understand as you grovel before my might.

Well, perhaps not grovel, per se, as you still look rather defiant, but nevertheless, you are certainly taken aback and perhaps temporarily cowed by my display of unholy power, yes? Certainly that.

Soon, however, true despair will grip you when you realize how your friends are now dead and your puny rebel armies crushed beneath the heels of my zombie ogre legions! Granted, the rebels are not, strictly speaking, crushed as yet. However, even the most conservative projections place my victory somewhere north of a 75% likelihood, and that is surely enough to allow me a bit of a head start on gloating, my timetable being what it is. I mean, if I waited, I might have to forego gloating at all, and what fun would that be?

Nothing seems likely to go wrong at this stage, so let’s not worry about it.

All that being said, I have appreciated your capacity to resist my dark power for so long. Seriously, it’s been some good work by you and your team. Therefore, I offer you one last chance to spare your puny existence: join me! Together, we could rule the universe, side-by-side! Think of the power we could wield with our skills combined? All I ask is that you give up everything that currently makes you who you are and become the opposite thing.

Did I mention I’m offering a competitive benefits package? Quite generous of me, actually.

No?

Fool! Now, there will be no saving you! Let me just place my Amulet of Power on this card table next to the Pit of Oblivion, and we’ll get right down to blasting you into dust.

First, however, I feel it is only fair for me to explain to you why I’m doing all this. I feel I’ve been pretty consistent in my message, and my zombie ogres have done a capital job of dispersing my talking points to the local kingdoms, but in case it has been unclear thus far, my opinion is pretty simple: I am a superior form of life and you and your vermin are constantly bothering me. So, it only seems natural for my to eradicate you all or bend you to my will. On the plus side, I offer humanity an eternity of stability and as much blood-sport as they can stomach to watch. All I ask in return, really, is that you idiots leave me alone in my Palace of Despair and do exclusively what I say.

And then, of course, there is that benefits package I mentioned. The donation-matching on all retirement plans I feel is pretty…

What? What do you think you’re doing? Trying to fight back? Even now, when all is lost? I mean, I blasted you pretty good back there – right in the face and all. Granted, rather than it reducing you to bones and dust like it does everybody else, it didn’t even quite manage to mar your rugged good looks (and, seriously now, who is your stylist? How can a man traipse through the woods for months and still have such lustrous locks?), but even without the whole dust-and-bones routine, you’ve got to be hurting. Anyway, how about a taste of this!

Yes! Now you feel your irrelevance! These beams of doom, even weaker than that last one that didn’t even scratch up your nose overmuch, will now kill you slowly, so slowly that I might relish your screams from now until eternity. This is quite fun, I must say. I dare say it’s enough to make me belly laugh. Generally I wouldn’t find this so much comical as downright inefficient, but just at this moment I really feel a good, long guffaw coming on….

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAH…Hahahahah…he…heh…

What? A puny rock? What do you think a puny rock will do against my immortal power?

Oh…you threw it at the card table. Well…shame on me then.