Financing Your Evil Empire
Dear Doctor Oblivion,
We here at Financial and Operational Underwriting Limited (FOUL) are pleased to accept your request for our free informational packet detailing our services and advising methods. Please understand that, while this packet does not come with a financial responsibility, that does not mean it is entirely obligation free. You will have noted, no doubt, the fine white powder that was released upon opening the envelope. You have been poisoned with a slow-acting metabolic inhibitor. The antidote may be released at any time by burning these materials and inhaling the vapors released. You, of course, understand. Discretion and informational security is our number one concern here at FOUL.
This document is a basic primer and overview of our recommendations regarding your declared needs. More detailed information may be found in packet’s A-D and, of course, an even more extensive listing of our precise services can be obtained once you sign on as a beneficiary of our services. Presuming the metabolic poison hasn’t killed you first, naturally.
FOUL is fully equipped to finance and support the establishment of a secret base of operations anywhere in the world. Indeed, this is an exciting time for evil geniuses, in that real-estate prices are at an all-time low in many sectors of the world. Some of our most popular packages include:
- Small European Countries: Given the financial duress of much of Europe at the moment, it is an uncommonly good time to purchase or annex a small country, complete with population and infrastructure, for your use. Portions of Greece, Spain, and Italy, in particular, are ripe for purchase, and can be obtained for competitive rates. In those instances, we do recommend the optional ‘Enforcer Robots’ package, as the populations of those countries are currently indisposed towards slave labor.
- Middle American Subterranean: The housing crisis in the United States has also brought the price down on the coveted, but typically very expensive, continental US subterranean base. Indeed, much of so-called ‘Middle America’ is so strapped for new construction and real-estate projects that wide portions of prarieland can be claimed and utilized for your nefarious purposes. That is, of course, once you bulldoze the endless fields of WalMarts and strip malls and put an end to their nefarious purposes.
- Volcano Base: An old standby, our most affordable packages on isolated volcanic islands are available at record lows, primarily due to the vagaries of weather patterns in both the Western and Eastern Hemispheres. Please understand that FOUL will not forgive any loans for bases actually destroyed by volcanic eruption. Our geologists have been known to make mistakes.
- Extraterrestrial Bases: Currently, we are not recommending extraterrestrial base options–the moon, orbital stations, Mars, etc.–primarily due to the increased cost of accessing space these days. However, that same inaccessibility translates to even greater security–superheroes and secret agents can’t hitch a ride on the space shuttle anymore, which translates to lower security costs for you!
Minions, of course, are among the greatest expenses an evil overlord can expect to pay. It is difficult to convince the average thug to abandon his familiar environs to work regular shifts in a foreign place. Disciplined, talented people can typically acquire employment in so-called ‘legitimate’ industries and live without being exposed to the murderous disdain of their superiors.However, the global economic downturn once again is working in your favor! As this is written, fully one in four Spaniards is without gainful employment! Vast swathes of Americans are without health insurance! The youth of Britain despair at their ability to find gainful employment in a country slashing government spending at record levels! Rejoice!The FOUL system offers a decent healthplan and competitive salary to the minions it recruits, and we know just where to find fools desperate enough to accept the fine print! In addition to the lowly thugs and social deviants we are usually forced to employ, we’ll give you access to a wide array of factory workers, teachers, public employees, and other blue-collar, hard-working folk. We even offer two-for-one deals on Greeks!
Death traps are a key aspect to any security system/entertainment center at your secret base. We at FOUL take great pride in customizing your portfolio to accommodate a wide variety of tastes and styles, from your basic poison gas traps to your more elaborate laser-labyrinths, fun-house pitfalls, and the ever-popular monster-in-a-pit.
However, we do caution new clients from going overboard on the bells and whistles. Death traps are, frankly, rarely used and can be an enormous expense. Feeding pit monsters alone can cost millions every year, not even including the cost of handlers, trainers, and behavioral specialists. We do not offer refunds on any death trap that fails to operate or is turned against its owner–responsible use and deployment of these traps is YOUR responsibility.
The Doomsday Device
Of course, no portfolio would be complete without options for financing your own personal doomsday device. Naturally, we at FOUL are in the business of fulfilling your dreams for world domination, and we hesitate to place limitations on your creativity and ambition in this regard. However, we do have to remind you that we will not finance any device that blows up the planet Earth itself. FOUL has significant holdings on planet Earth and we cannot support its outright destruction. We are totally on-board, however, for enslaving, obliterating, ethnically cleansing, bombarding, extorting, or conquering any portion of the globe. This limitation strikes us as reasonable and also good business.
All schematics for doomsday devices must be approved by an engineer of our choosing prior to funds being released. This engineer is immediately shot after viewing these plans and delivering his or her report, so full discretion is assured. Proof of their decease is available upon request, though taxidermy costs extra. Currently we are offering discounts to any and all doomsday devices that run on a slow countdown with periodic PA announcements.
We here at FOUL wish you all the best and hope that we can be of service financing your evil schemes. Please keep in mind that the pounding of your heart at this juncture is likely the early stages of the poison affecting you. We suggest burning this portion of the portfolio now in order to maintain consciousness for sufficient time to peruse the rest. Thank you, and we look forward to hearing from you.